Given that grief is something every one of us will face in various degrees throughout our lifetime, it is not surprising how uncomfortable most of us feel when faced with a grieving person.  We generally struggle with ‘the right thing to say’, or rely too heavily on antics which sometimes cause more harm than good.  Most readers would never intentionally invalidate the feelings of another person, and yet it happens frequently and is often unconscious.  We generally say the statements we’ve heard others say, or turn to our own belief system.  Sometimes the pressure of the situation completely shuts down our authenticity and we revert to some old adage. It is my hope that this article can bring some insight into why some of our well-meant statements are actually insensitive, and make some suggestions on what to say/do instead.

As a therapist, I am often amazed at the statements my grieving clients are offered by their friends and family. Some of the examples are:

•    She must have driven you crazy that last year. Now you can get some rest finally.
•    It was what you signed up for.
•    You just have to move on! Get back in the game!
•    He was just not meant to be your forever person.
•    Now you can live your own life and not have to care for him/her anymore.
•    At least you have/don’t have children together.

Now, if you have been a person who has said something of this sort: I promise this is not an attack.  We all know that talking about loss is uncomfortable, and we are all struggling to do our best when there is a hard situation happening to a loved one or acquaintance.  Most of us just want them to feel better.  But, our denial of their feelings does not make their feelings go away. Let’s look at some of the more commonly used statements in our society.

“They are in a better place now.” This is a statement that is generally accepted as the right thing to say, and is a ready fallback to many people who are otherwise at a loss.  It may be helpful if your relationship with the griever is such, that you know their belief system involves a ‘better place’. However, it is inappropriate to say to a stranger or acquaintance, and can actually be quite triggering.  Keep in mind that this is not the time to push a belief system upon a person who is already raw and vulnerable. The truth is that the griever may not know/believe in a better place or, they may actually be angry at a higher power, whom they generally do believe in.  That anger is a natural part of the healing process for some people, and a safe bet is just to leave religion out of the conversation unless you are very sure it is going to be helpful. One of my clients felt angered by this statement, just because “everyone said it”.  This caused her to feel that it was disingenuous.  

“You will meet new people.” This statement is ultimately invalidating to the special loss a griever may be experiencing.  You can get a new glass of milk.  You can buy new sneakers, or cars.  You cannot replace life, or people, or animals.  Pretending that someone can ‘just go get another friend’ is hugely insensitive and completely unhelpful. Other statements that fall into this category are: “You will date again”, “You can get another dog/pet”, or “I have a friend I want to introduce you to”.  Generally, it is difficult to see our loved ones ‘alone and grieving’.  However, this is part of their process and we must have backbone and grit in friendships in order to be good friends. 

“I understand what you are going through.” There are times when a grieving person may be isolating for a period of time, and this is sometimes concerning to friends and family.  One of the reasons for this, is sometimes that people are not able to understand what the griever is going through.  One person can never truly understand another person’s unique emotional experience, and so this statement is simply untrue.  We have a better chance of understanding, even a little, when we just listen and act as if what the griever is telling us is completely new to us (because it is).  We have never talked to this person about this loss before, and so it is a new experience.  

“How are you doing?”.  This is a well-meaning question, but far too normal for this crazy situation the griever finds themselves in.  “How are you doing?” is a canned statement we use for passersby and as part of introducing daily small talk in our circles.  Many of us generally do not even want the real answer when we ask this question.  The griever you just asked this question to is having some of the worst and empty days of their life.  The question forces them to possibly shut down, and give you the canned answer that is socially appropriate. The other option for them is to actually tell you, which you should then be prepared with some authenticity and genuine support.  Just saying. 

“They are not in pain anymore.” This can actually bring great comfort for certain people at certain times.  And yet, for some people this does not bring relief, and can cause great pain.  If their loved one really suffered, this statement can actually engage those painful memories. It really boils down to, again, the relationship and how well we know the person we are speaking to.  

Here are some suggestions for comments that may be more validating and/or supportive, for those of you interested in upping your grief game. 
•    This evening I am cooking dinner.  Is it alright with you if I bring you a plate?
•    I know that you are hurting, and I really want to be here to listen if you decide you’d like to talk.
•    I miss this person too.  Please let me know if you’d ever like to share memories with me.  
•    They will be very missed.  I am genuinely sorry that we have lost them.
•    Tomorrow I am making a trash run, do you have anything I can take for you?
•    I know you will feel different from day to day, or minute to minute.  Just know that I am here to connect. 
•    If you ever just want to talk, we can talk about anything you’d like.  We can talk about your loss, or avoid the topic    completely. It is up to you and I just want to be present for you. We can just sit together in silence, I am completely comfortable with that.
•    Would you like for me to take (your dog) for a walk when I walk (my dog)? Would you like to come along?


Thank you all for reading and increasing your tool-kits. We are all integral to creating new, and more trauma informed ways of being with one another.  This requires vulnerability and a willingness to build new habits.  My hope is that we can all continue to make small steps in healing that will make big impacts on our communities and future connections. Please visit the links below for more information on grief recovery, or the virtual calming room for self-regulation. Feel free to share. Be well and have a wonderful week! 

Beliefs are a powerful substructure that affect our life experiences on every level, and many of us are not aware of the beliefs we carry. They have direct and indirect influence on our actions, and thus, often validate themselves through us.  Our interpretation is that they are confirmed, solely, through the external world, which is generally not the case.  Case and point: if one believes that they are not likable, they tend to act differently around people. This person may be more reserved, have slumped posture, poor eye contact, perhaps hypervigilant to ‘proof’, or with more defense mechanisms at play.  Because of this behavior, others experience this person as ‘closed off’ or ‘defensive’, ‘hard to reach’, or ‘disingenuous’, and are not warm and friendly as a result. The person interprets the ‘chill’ as proof they are not likable, and further shuts off from future social opportunities.
 
The cycles can go on and on, until we gain clarity on our belief substructures that are affecting us. We can then evaluate which beliefs may be ‘hand-me-downs’ from earlier life, and therefore, no longer true or helpful. Other examples of common maladaptive beliefs are:

• I am bad/unworthy
• It is (all) my fault
• I am stupid (or some variation)
• I am wrong
• I should have done more
• I am a burden
• I am not good enough
• The world is unsafe/I am not safe (too general, this is sometimes true but not always)
• I am not trustworthy/the world is not trustworthy
• I have to produce in order to have worth
• I deserve to have this problem
• I am broken/damaged

 
Once we recognize the undercurrents at play, we can find the places where we have power to change: primarily our behaviors and self-talk. Finding the maladaptive belief's antidote, can be a great place to start. Explore a belief you would prefer to have there, and begin to imagine how your behavior would change if you held this antidotal belief instead.  What would it look like, socially, to believe that you are inherently likable? What would it look like to have worth, regardless of productivity? To be, simply, good enough?
 
Here’s the thing: these beliefs are often held by a part of us. Some part of us is certain of their truth, and therefore, it is not  so easy as to just ‘believe differently’.  This is a journey of healing, not furthering the gaps between where we are and where we are supposed to be.  Acceptance, patience, and understanding are the cornerstones for our improved foundations. We are not going to keep pretending here! However, healing also means that we can acknowledge these elements within ourselves and begin to nurture their very growth. We can learn how this part of us, has been trying to help us by holding onto this belief.

• “I am broken” may be protecting from the pain of being vulnerable again.
• “I am wrong” may be validating a perpetrator of an earlier life trauma.
• “I deserve to have this problem” may be keeping hard feelings at bay.

 
That being said, once we identify a belief we’d like to change: it must be a gentle and steady process.  We can, gradually, begin to find situations in which these beliefs can be further tested, in calm and loving ways. 

•  Let’s play on the original example of the person who believes they are not likable. Once they have gained awareness               of their internal conflict around likability (this may be a protective aspect of the person preventing them from the perceived danger of getting close to others), this person can begin to gradually alter their behaviors while in social situations. They do this with a curious and explorative spirit: “What happens when I make eye contact more often, and smile?”  “What happens when I stand up straighter?”.  

 
Over time, we can begin to invalidate the beliefs we have been handed, and develop those beliefs that are truer to our present-day spirit, dreams, and abilities. We can also begin to acknowledge and honor the parts of ourselves that have, so ingeniously, been helpful.  I look forward to hearing back from you, in the comments below.  Feel free to share, to visit the free resources below, and to come back for the next step of the journey towards a more trauma informed world. Have a wonderful week!
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​One of the keys to being a more trauma informed world, is that more people are learning how to self-regulate.  We typically learn this from co-regulating with attuned, calm and helpful care-givers when we are in the pre-verbal age and as we further develop.  The rest of the world must choose to learn and practice it later in life. There are many great theories and resources for learning about and practicing self-regulation.  Steven Purges’ Polyvagal Theory is a favorite, and his website can be found below, along with other resources pertinent to this article.
 
When we begin to regulate the nervous system, there are several biological and neurological changes we are attempting to interact with.  Not only are we working to balance the sympathetic and parasympathetic responses, we are working to move neural activity from the brain-stem and limbic system (mid-brain) to reintegrate our access to frontal lobe (pre-frontal cortex) functions. Many wise and gifted humans have worked over time to develop tools that help this to occur, from the shamanic drumming of thousands of years ago to our modern use of imagery, mindfulness, and somatic based therapies. Some of the most powerful tools are found to be the simplest, and in the language of the sensory functions we all contain.  
 
Taking a moment to listen to a calming sound in our environment, for example, or smelling a clean essential oil can bring very nice beginnings. Looking around the room slowly and noting the safety that is inherent (in the moment) can help our brain stems begin to relax.  Taking a conscious breath, either with structured breathing exercises, or simply in a noticeably more rhythmic fashion, can begin to engage the pre-frontal cortex. And, finally, our ability to imagine has a powerful effect on which direction our nervous system will take us. How many times have we imagined a catastrophe, just to find ourselves in a fight or flight response with no genuine danger present?
 
Beginning, then, to imagine a calm place can bring a semblance of inner peace for many people. Imagining a kind animal, a beautiful flower unfolding, or some sample of the magnificent landscapes available to us on this planet are a few suggestions. We can remember to keep that rhythmic breathing, while we are imagining a calming scene, and focus on some aspect of the body as it is relaxing. This is the language of regulation.        
 
It is a given that no two people will respond to the same scenes or exercises, as our uniqueness is inherent to us.  However, once we find several methods of regulation that work for us, we can begin to practice them in calm and stressful situations alike.  And, if we grow powerful enough to promote our own self-regulation, we may have profound effects on the chaotic environments we periodically find ourselves in.  
 
Please visit the link, below, for access to a calm place meditation as well as other resources available from this writer and on the web.  Have a wonderful and trauma informed week.  Feel free to comment below, and share with your friends and family. 



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Steven Purges’ Polyvagal Theory: https://www.stephenporges.com
 
https://www.rhythmofregulation.com/resources/Beginner's%20Guide.pdf
 
Breathing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9tOJZQhO_Uw
 

At this point in time, most of us have experienced something we would define as traumatic in life. Many have experienced multiple traumas, with few lasting symptoms or related issues. My favorite explanation is that we are adaptive beings capable of, and constantly moving toward, healing. It is true that resiliency is a known trait to all living things on this often harsh planet. With this as an assumption, then, what is it that sometimes prevents this adaptation from occurring?

One commonly used definition of trauma states: “Trauma is the psychological and bodily response to experiencing a terrible event that overwhelms the system’s ability to process and adapt”.   There are times when our internal and external resources are simply not powerful enough to process the magnitude of the event. In some instances, a powerful belief has blocked the healing process from occurring. Maybe we do not feel we deserve to be healthy again, because somehow the traumatic event was our fault.  Perhaps surviving a catastrophe when so many did not, creates a struggle of our own worth and deserving to be well. Healing modalities can often help identify and shift the blocking beliefs, and increase the internal and external resources, which collaboratively may enable our own inner healing capabilities to click into gear. 

The results of unprocessed trauma can be diverse, ranging from a common diagnostic category called Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) to other symptoms and behaviors that appear as mood disorders, conduct disorders, memory and processing disorders, dissociative disorders, somatization disorders, and attention-deficit symptoms, just to name a few. Sometimes, people who carry unresolved trauma are emotionally reactive or dysregulated; they may relive the trauma in dreams or some level of reality, and they may find it difficult to trust and connect to loved ones.  Survivors may be withdrawn and depressed, or contrarily, overly social and lacking in boundaries.  Anxiety in various forms is common, as well as sleep disturbance, self-destructive behavior, addictive behavior, or problems with concentration.  In terms of the question of diagnosis and behaviors, we each have a unique expression.  A more important question may be: How do we re-initiate our adaptive, healing capacities to assist in resolving the trauma so these behaviors are no longer necessary?

Family and community members can be extremely helpful in this process, as these comprise our supportive, external resources. Validation and acknowledgement are a tremendous gift if someone decides to share some part of their experience.  Basically, we want to communicate understanding that this journey is difficult for them, while avoiding the urge to share our own trauma or to advise them to “get on with their lives”.  Empathy and compassion go a long way.  Making a plan with loved ones who become emotionally triggered can be a gift, so that there are agreed upon coping/calming skills in place when this does occur.  Staying calm in these moments is very important, because often survivors require co-regulation for a while before they re-learn (or learn for the first time) how to self-regulate. 

Those who are trying to heal from trauma need, more than anything else; compassion, safety, patience, and understanding.  A natural inclination is to attempt to change the person's thinking, to deny their feelings or experience, or to move the conversation to a 'lighter' topic. These inclinations are great to follow if one is avoidant of having a deep and meaningful relation with their loved one.  Anything of more sustenance will require a bit more of an effort, of course, and the payback can be great.  After all, those who have been through challenges often have a gift of unconventional measure to offer. I hope this article gives a greater depth of understanding for those who are struggling with unresolved trauma and for the loved ones who may be helpful to them on their journey. Please feel free to comment or post inquiries below or elsewhere on this website.  Until next time, have a beautiful and healing day.