​What if you, as a person in grief, encounter someone who is being insensitive?

In February of this year, we discussed rehabilitating our grief awareness in terms of speaking to those who have experienced loss.  What if you, the griever, encounter someone who is less than aware? Often well-meaning people make hurtful comments, and it may help to have a game-plan for such encounters. 

It is not the griever’s responsibility to educate others about grief awareness, but it can be empowering to have small statements of self-care ready in the event of need. The focus, therefore, is always on the health and boundaries of the person experiencing the vulnerability of grief. 

There is a great deal of information available, for society to become educated on what you need as a griever.  It says that you need:
•     to be listened to
•     to tell the story
•     to have support in daily life
•     to have your unique feelings be heard, seen and respected
•     to be validated
•     to choose what you need moment to moment.  

It says that the use of platitudes and optimism to ‘help you’, are not helpful! It says that there is no ‘quick fix’, even though some of your acquaintances will try to make one for you. It says that there is often a shortage of people willing to ‘be present’, even though that is what you need the most. It acknowledges that our society is untrained and unprepared to properly help you, but that people are educating themselves. They are doing this because, at the heart of it, most really want to be of service.

If someone is making an inadvertently insensitive comment, perhaps you could let them know something you could use some help with. It is NOT weak, but powerful to do so.  Can you imagine the scenario? 

They walk across the parking lot (out of their way), to let you know that your loved one is in a better place now.  And instead of your typical (and valid) response, you instead reply, “Would you mind helping me with something? I am feeling so spent today that I don’t know if I can pack my groceries into the trunk.  Would you mind helping me with that?” 

Basically, you get to be the one to identify your own needs, beliefs, feelings (including how understood you feel), and boundaries in any given moment. If any person wishes to ‘be helpful’, then share with them how to do that. Let them know what is actually needed or wanted in the moment.  “Actually, would you mind helping me with something?”, and put them to work! They will, most likely, feel great about the opportunity to assist.  

Here is another scenario that grievers encounter: the over-sharer. This person is trying to help you know how much they understand your feelings, by delving deeply into their own story of loss. It is beyond the boundaries of appropriate sharing because of the timing, environment, or where you are in your process. Encountering the over-sharer unprepared, can deplete your energy and overwhelm some aspects of you. Imagine the scenario occurring at the hair-salon, or at the funeral!

If someone is over-sharing, feel free to say/act:
•    “I’m not sure how long your story is going to take, actually, and I am in a hurry right now. Would you mind helping me      load my groceries in my car so I can go?”
•    “I would very much like to hear your story sometime, perhaps in a more intimate setting. But, would you mind terribly   if we spoke of something else? I am up to my ears in the subject of grief, and feeling tired.”
•    “I know that you have very good intentions, but I am not feeling this right now.  I hope you understand.”
•    Walk away, explain later.
•    Plan your own ‘perfect response’ in case this situation happens with you.

Another common scenario is the ‘over-helper’, who is not actually intuiting what is needed.  This is the caring person who calls too often, without actually listening.  They show up so you ‘won’t be alone’, but you feel even lonelier while they are there. You end up feeling hostage to their caring, and ultimately unable to have your own process around what you need and want.  

It can be very difficult to set your boundaries with this friend, because you may feel uncertain about the outcomes.  However, YOU are the one you need to be loyal to right now! Let the person know, in no uncertain terms, that you would really appreciate space.  Assure them that you will call them when you are ready to talk to a friend.  If they are truly helping you from a place of service and caring, they will understand and appreciate your communication. (If they get upset, you may want to refer them to a good therapist who deals with co-dependency!). Find ways to feel truly heard and seen, instead, such as with another friend or a grief-help-group.

It is my hope that these examples may give grievers room for thought about their own, genuine interactions and boundaries. We have received much conditioning that ‘happy, well, and fine’ are the only appropriate social presentations.  Yet, grief is something we are all going to experience in life. Unbeknownst to you, you may be trailblazing healthier patterns of self-care into your social circles. But, for now, just focus on your own process! It is all reciprocal.  

Feel free to comment below, as I would love to hear your thoughts, experiences, and responses.  Feel free to read the original blog post concerning grief, by scrolling down this page. Until next time, have a Trauma Informed Week and Be Well!

There is an art to social connecting, which calms our nervous system. When we look into the eyes of our reliable friend, or furry companion, there is a stabilization that occurs. The feeling of regulation is central and identifiable.  Think of a time when you were shaken by a life event, and were able to be calmed by your pet, a friend, or a helping professional.  Remember how their tone was, or what it was about them that was able to help.  

The Neuroscience is demonstrating that we can also calm ourselves, simply by remembering or imagining.  How is it, in this moment, to recall that tone, those calm eyes, or the way they listened.  Notice how it feels to imagine befriending a kind animal, and to connect with their breath and manner of being. The bottom line is that connection is a stabilizing force for us, when we are struggling with dysregulation.

So, what is dysregulation, exactly? 

Dysregulation is a state of ‘autonomic arousal’ in the nervous system, when we become triggered by a present-day event, or a memory. It is most commonly described as fight, flight, freeze, submit, or attach.  Autonomic arousal can be hyper-arousal (fight-flight-attach) or hypo-arousal (freeze-submit), and is generally marked by reactions designed to keep us safe. We often do things in this state, which do not make sense to us afterwards, because this state supersedes our logical brain circuits. It just acts to protect us in the moment of danger. As life continues, after the fact, some of the autonomic response can become ‘unexpressed’ in our system. This unexpressed response can result in more tendency to feel dysregulated, or other symptoms associated with trauma. 

There are many ways to regulate the system during the healing process, though our safe connections with others appear to be paramount. According to Dr. Stephen Porges, trauma is the result of the freeze response enacted as a necessity to survive a life event.  His research on the Vagus nerve has shown that our social engagement system gives us an avenue for regulating back into our window of tolerance (regulated nervous system state), rather we are experiencing trauma or a trauma memory.

Many implications arise, here, in terms of creating our trauma informed world. The most empowering, being, that we can use our safe connections to regulate and heal ourselves.  If we do not yet have safe connections, we can use our imaginations to begin developing the neural circuitry. We can turn to animals or spirituality. We can love the parts of ourselves that are experiencing the trauma. We can work with a trained trauma therapist, or coach. We can be that kind person for ourselves, no matter what other messages we have been given. We can have regular visits with our other helping professionals, teachers, group members, neighbors, or other safe acquaintances. 

Another implication arising here, is the power of our first responders, doctors, nurse practitioners, nurses, medical assistants, crisis workers, and therapists to assist in co-regulating directly following a traumatic life event.  Helping professionals are often the first ‘social encounters’ people experience when they are in recent or present moment trauma.  According to Bruce Perry, “There is no more effective neurobiological intervention than a safe relationship”. Sadly, there are more than enough stories of trauma survivors who missed an experience to co-regulate in those moments following a tragedy, due to their poor treatment by a responding helping professional.  Why are well meaning helping professionals treating traumatized people poorly?

​Often, they are also in a state of dysregulated nervous system responses! 

Helping professionals are less likely to receive their own help, for many reasons.  They also are carrying vicarious trauma from weekly exposure to this intensity, throughout their careers.  They are humans, with nervous systems of their own.  And, without help, their patterns of dysregulation become more and more entrenched, or sensitive, throughout their time at work.  

In a trauma informed world, we would be focusing on the helping professionals! We would be making sure that they were supported, debriefed, co-regulated by caring supervisors and regulations, properly compensated, educated about the nervous system, taught how to notice when they are dysregulated, supported by a team of trauma informed colleagues, given time off accordingly (without stigma), and forming procedures and protocols that took into account the benefit of social engagement following certain exposures.  In this way, these individuals could be more present, socially engaged, and trauma informed within their helping roles.  

There is a circle of care that is not being met in our current social and medical paradigm.  This is impeding our progress towards a trauma informed world, through no fault of (most) healthcare workers or other professionals.  There is a system over-burdened by trauma, and in a survival mode all of its own.  We are reacting to our daily regime, without the energy required to ‘look up’ or make changes in how we do things.  However, without incorporating trauma informed knowledge we are not lessening the need but increasing it over time.  

It is my hope that we find a moment to breath, center, and come together to begin addressing these challenges as a group.  In a greater capacity of 'informed world', imagine if we could be a group supported in these tasks by our larger system. Your comments, ideas, or questions are read and greatly appreciated.  Thank you for reading, sharing the blog link, and doing your part in creating a new paradigm.  Until next time, be well and take good care. Feel free to visit the links below for more information regarding the work of Bruce Perry, Stephen Porges, and Bessel A. van der Kolk. .  

“Fire can warm or consume, water can quench or drown, wind can caress or cut. And so it is with human relationships: we can both create and destroy, nurture and terrorize, traumatize and heal each other.” (Bruce D. Perry).

            "Slowing down" is a concept most often avoided by driven people, until we face a situation wherein it becomes a necessity.  For many of us, this means facing the music.  Staying busy, after all,  is often a powerful tool of distraction from our inner dialogue, thoughts about ourselves and the world, and emotions that are often uncomfortable.  This is especially true when we have grief, unresolved anger, and painful relationships, charged memories, chronic pain, or many other challenges.  Turning inward to face these challenges can lead to their being healed or to our improved ability to cope with them. This process can seem quite daunting when we might not have the tools or “road map” for such a journey.  While the actual order of these steps may be different for each individual, some guideposts on this road map can help.
               A fundamental tool is a support system.  This system can be many individuals (such as family and friends), a group that is supportive, or one caring person.  How we go about finding such support can be a large step for many of us who have become used to isolation and “going it alone”.   When the comfort zone has become more of a box, it is time to challenge ourselves to step out of the isolation box, especially if we truly want change.  Healing is change.  We can try calling a helper in the area, going to a support group new to us, attending a community event we would normally avoid, or calling an old friend to make amends and rekindle the relationship.  There are many options to explore, even in a rural area.
                A second tool is having a self-care plan. We need this in place before and during our healing journey.  This way, we always have something to fall back on if we are having emotional difficulty or need to give ourselves special attention.  Many of us have been taught to “feel guilty” for taking time, or doing anything for ourselves.  However, this is often one of the beliefs that keep us from healing.  It is important to do nice things for ourselves, especially when trying to heal.  Taking a hot bath, a long shower, listening to favorite music, asking to be alone, asking to talk, having a massage, taking a walk, doing yoga, doing our art/expression (painting, journaling/writing, making or singing music, dancing, or pastels). Whatever it is we do is not important, only that it brings us back to ourselves in a way that is calming, centering, loving, and healing.
               Notable here, at number three, is our general permission to make boundaries with ourselves and with others.  When we embark on a journey such as this, our boundaries often require some attention and voice in order to help it all work for us.  This is integral to the work, and sometimes this IS the work itself! Those close to us, after all, are sometimes the very ones who help us hold our old patterns in place.  It may be helpful to begin with an honest inventory of what is needed, and become clearer on what kind of support we may need in order to create these necessary changes.  It is also healthy to SLOW DOWN the process at any point, make a boundary with ourselves, and rest. This is not a race, nor, is there a known destination. When in doubt or overwhelmed, refer back to numbers one and two. 
                  With these external and internal resources in play, we are ready to embark deeper on our journey.  It is generally important that we allow ourselves to express our feelings throughout the adventure.  As we learn to accept ourselves for how we feel and think, we become easier for ourselves to hang out with.  Talking with our support group (or person), writing in a journal, or personal expression (crying, yelling, expressive movement, expressive art, singing) can be very helpful tools for the work at hand. Many people find that exercise, particularly walking, is extremely important for this process.  Others explore various modalities of healing and actively seek their answers this way.  Some read copious amounts of books.  There seems to be a theme for those who have created a space for this healing to occur: it begins to occur. Recognizing it helps this process.
                Be gentle with yourself. Healing gradually happens in layers over time.  Sometimes it seems we are not making progress; other times we will be aware of how far we have come.  It is not a journey for the uncaring, or the weak of spirit.  When we take the steps, however, we can look forward to a day when we are becoming a person we like hanging out alone with.  Thanks for reading, sharing, and commenting, and for embarking on this journey with me to build a more trauma informed world. Take good care!