​​Tabitha rummaged through her files of antiquated writings, pre-published articles, and barely salvaged sets of paragraphs.  She was becoming frantic, the survival terrors setting in of all the life events she would miss if she did not start writing this book.  “I may as well have remained a heroin addict in the Tenderloin”, she considered aloud.  Tabitha had experienced writer’s block for over half the year, at this juncture, much too long for someone holding a passionate dream such as hers.  

 “If I could just find a starter paragraph, maybe I could take off from there”, she thought, as the file folders drifted in front of her eyes from the blue screen. 

Tabitha’s passion to write reawakened about the same time as her writer’s block reared its familiar head. In an unfair juxtaposition, anxiety resulted and seemed endless. Tabitha was certain, that somehow, she could find a way to right the wrongs of her past. Like jumping cholla cactus, her deeds clung to her fervently and desperately awaiting the next water hole.  Tabitha trudged along, literally as far as her mind would allow her to, before succumbing to that long-practiced phone call for therapy.  

Her friends were not surprised, when they learned of her new therapy. “Well, you’ve always been just a little out there”, her comrade had informed.  What did surprise Tabitha, was when it actually seemed to start working.  She had expected more of the same, and the excuses that could follow: “Well, I did try to get help for that”.  Instead, Tabitha found herself becoming awakened to long boxed and forgotten purpose. As the inside calls became louder, Tabitha had begun to wonder if she may need therapy from her therapy.

After nearly a six months with this therapist (playfully called “T”), the transitioning woman had begun to practice just enough self-care to begin calming the storms. And underneath those storms were, well, the dreaded feelings! Tabitha had come to realize she was nurturing the storms, in order to be adequately distracted from the feelings.  The plan was genius except for the fact that her ‘self’ had been eroded along the way, little by precious little. “The Book” had become a pressure cooker for redemption, as far as Tabitha was concerned.

That is until T suggested it may be, yet, another genius distraction.

Tabitha expressed her agitation with her helping professional, who looked on calmly for the duration.  
“I thought you would be happy that I have a life goal!”, Tabitha huffed.
“I mean, there is a lot that I have to offer the world, and aren't you supposed to be helping me!”.  

T suggested an imagery practice and Tabitha begrudgingly agreed. As T guided the imagery to the agreed upon calm place, Tabitha began to feel her shoulders relaxing. 

"Go to your forest by your creek, and hear the whispering of the water over the stones. Smell the creek air, and breath that into your body. Be there in your bare feet and feel that creek energy beneath you. Feel the breeze on your skin, and listen to the soft rustle of leaves all around you."

T used these familiar suggestions, and Tabitha rejoined her spirit and her mind.  The session ended on a positive note, with Tabitha remembering that T was on her side. As Tabitha was leaving the office, T reminded, "If you find peace inside of yourself, that's when the magic happens. That may be more important than anything you are achieving externally."

“Why did I become so upset in the earlier part of that session?”, Tabitha pondered, much later that day. 

“Ever since I realized I was sleep-walking, I have been trying to stay awake. I have been trying to find a way to help others. The idea of this book gives me a feeling of meaning. Yet, when the imagery begins in therapy I am able to feel more relaxed and present than any other times in my week.  If I NEED to write this book to stay ‘awake’, then why am I feeling so uptight about the whole project. Why do I feel more alive, than ever, when I just relax and use my imagination?”

This is when it happened! Tabitha remembered her own calm place! For the first time since she initiated therapy, Tabitha brought herself back to that Creekside forest for fresh air.  She heard the creek bubble over the stones, and felt the cool, wet dirt on her bare feet. She breathed the moistened air deep into her own body. She felt at peace, and remembered herself.

“Maybe it is not about what we create externally”, she stated. 
“Maybe it is just about staying in this relaxed, present moment place!”
“Maybe my gift to the world, and to myself is just this: learning to hold this place!”
“Could it really be that simple?” 

The universe giggled. The End.

Ways to come back to the present moment:

3-minute breathing space
calm place meditation
5-4-3-2-1

Find simple exercises here:

The door is opening for higher levels of life to resume, following greater than a year of regulations and isolation. Many have embraced the ‘return to normalcy’ with readiness to throw masks aside and flock together with the like-minded.  The rest of us drag our feet to give up the needed rest from social obligations and public closeness.  I am remembering the grocery stores with a shudder, pre-pandemic, when strangers would just walk into your bubble with no acknowledgement or awareness.  

I find myself hesitant to give it up: my physical space from others, my lack of need to say ‘no’ to social invitations, my precious time at home being the expectation.  I believe I have actually come to enjoy hiding behind my mask in public, and it is quite wonderful that people stay at least six feet away.  No one swoops in for the hug. I don’t feel the yearning to punch strangers as often, or egg their cars. Threat of contracting illness aside, the pandemic has been a sort of sanctuary for many of us.  Someone at a conference (which I was, incidentally, able to attend virtually last year) mentioned that those on the autism spectrum, and survivors of complex trauma were generally thriving during these times. I readily agree, barring some specific circumstances many individuals had to face. 

Herein lies the question: Why did we need a pandemic to create sanctuary for ourselves?  

For me, appearing normal is one of my primary survival techniques, regardless of what some of my closer friends may report. That being said, declining all social expectations just does not look normal.  The worse I feel; the better I may be trying to make it look.  So, for me the need to ‘make things look good on the outside’ has superseded my own needs in the past.  This is something I would never have learned about myself without this period of pandemic time.  Now I can choose consciously, depending upon the event, what is more important to me in that moment. 

There have been more than a few clients who have described a worsening of social anxiety during this time, making the thought of ‘normal again’ quite provoking for them.  From an exposure standpoint this makes sense, in that the avoidance (coupled with fear of the virus) has left ‘real experiences’ a void for the catastrophic story-teller inside to rule.  While understandable, it is important for these folks to ‘get back out there’.  We do have the ability to pace it, however, and to choose the initial experiences most likely to give our story-tellers some positive metaphors to work with.  It can be quite corrective to form the boundaries necessary to take small, deliberate steps that feel positive (albeit anticipatory). 

On another thread, saying “No” can be a guilt producing, ambivalence promoting experience for many of us.  During the restrictions, I heard many people report a feeling of relief, in that it was simply not necessary. Here’s the thing: it is now becoming necessary again.  But, we can see it coming ahead and plan for it so that we may feel a bit more empowerment.  Here is a practice: 
•    Write down several upcoming events (at least three) which you may be feeling apprehensive about, for whatever reason.  
•    Write down the reasons you may want to participate, and the reasons you may not want to
•    Write down the paragraph you would say, to the person you would say it to, if you were to decline.
•    Once you have done this for all of the events you’ve listed, rate them 1-2-3…in terms of ‘decline difficulty’. If it is the most difficult to decline, it would be the highest number.
•    Chose one of these events, and commit to saying your ‘No’.
•    Reward yourself in some healthy way!

It is my hope that this blog is helpful for those of you struggling with the current changes. There is nothing ‘Wrong’ with you! We all just have different brains, and different needs! It is healthy for us all to form our own pace in life, and to make our choices wherever we can.  I have made myself the promise of asking people to step back if they are too close (as opposed to punching them).  Until next time, stay well and have a trauma informed week!  

Lately I have been remembering how precious life is, and how far our choices and responsibilities can take away from our gratitude. Our relationships can get lost to past hurts and unforgiven mistakes. Our enjoyment may become lost to our responsibilities, and our responsibilities do not always relate to things we find important. Sometimes, the larger forces at work lead us astray from our own passions, from our own energetic investments. We feel these losses in many ways unique to each of us, but it seems like we all feel them.

​I have been wondering about choices and second chances.  I know that often we must let go of some aspect in order to have a second chance or realize our choice. This aspect can be physical, such as quitting a job or leaving an unhealthy relationship. Perhaps it is a belief that requires release, such as “I’m not worth it”, or “It is not Ok for me to be happy”.  We may be called to heal from addictions, or an old pattern in order to move forward. The question that arises for many is this: How do we get the rest of our family/community to understand, and support our desire for a more whole and alive existence?

Living in a place where everyone supported the aspirations of everyone else would be simply wonderful.  Having financial freedom to make choices “worry free”, would be ideal. Even feeling completely competent and capable in one’s own decisions would create more possibilities.  Yet, in the absence of one (or all) of these factors, how can we possibly begin to rediscover ourselves? How can we take a “leap of faith” when we do not feel supported by the larger system, or even ourselves?
Perhaps a leap, is not possible or wise in this moment.  A step towards positive change, however, may be just the right size. Beginning to work on that belief, explore safety plans, incorporate a positive habit, or broaden a support base are all worthy endeavors. Many of us get caught in “all or nothing” types of thoughts, and forget about all the grey areas we have to work with.  Instead of looking for solutions, we just submit to feeling trapped because we cannot immediately have the whole desired outcome. The self-sabotaging quality of this pattern is clear on paper, and yet we continue to unconsciously perform under this block. What small steps can be made towards the change you want, personally?

Expressing what we want to see also seems to help the process.  Simply telling another person, is an excellent “small step”. Creating something, such as a vision board or art project related to our “new world” can be powerful in more fully aligning with it ourselves.  I have found music to be incredibly transformative, and often there is a song we discover that resonates completely with how we feel. You may be having ideas of your own at this very moment! 

Often when we make a micro-movement towards our goal, it gives our larger family and community systems a chance to prepare in a way for which they can be more supportive in the long-run. My hope is that we can encourage one another in these times of change, growth, and insight to bring in more of what we want to see.  Feel free to post comments and suggestions below, and have a wonderful week!

Imagine the river, lapping small waves along the shoreline. The distant sounds of waterfowl and the breeze in tree leaves, gently lowers you into a relaxing trance. Here you will be able to meet an ally, who has helped you all along your journey. We all benefit from stress relief, though not everyone responds the same to the tools. Here is a 'sound offering' from me to you, in hopes that it will help in your regulation and wellness.  Please feel free to comment below, and have a trauma informed week.