Despite our efforts in becoming more educated and politically correct around stigmas, and mental health needs, there continues to be a societal, personal, and collective shame around 'being an addict'. We have continued to ignore the  underlying issues into 'why people use', and instead we proliferate this shame across multiple social experiences. Addiction is growing in our society, despite the earnest efforts of our justice system and law enforcement to reduce our access and punish it away. If these tactics were effective, we would certainly not be seeing an increase in the use of drugs and alcohol (and their associated consequences) across all socioeconomic tiers. What are we missing, in terms of addiction treatment and rehabilitation?

There is a cycle between the person who is addicted, shaming the addict, the addict hurting/betraying/ disappointing others, and more trauma leading to more addiction. It has been quite convenient for society to point the finger of blame at the addict.  Afterall, many have trauma that is a direct result of the choices and behaviors of an addict. In turn, many trauma survivors turn to addiction to cope with debilitating symptoms and feelings. The dynamics are cyclical and self-perpetuating.  

Attempts to control the spread of the disease have been two-fold: to punish addicts, and to try to decrease access to substances.  If these efforts were successful, should not we have seen a decrease in addiction in the past forty years?  Addiction appears to be more directly correlated with our social connection and purpose, than these other factors.  People who have a secure base of socially healthy friends and family (who love and share time with them), for example, are not seeking an escape from unbearable isolation. Additionally, people who are finding purpose in the world through some fulfilling engagement, are not finding other ways to cope with the extreme boredom of the contrary. 

Bruce Alexander produced a study using rats and morphine, wherein some rats were placed into solitary, boring cages with one water bottle (for water) and another water bottle full of morphine.  These rats inevitably used the morphine frequently, and very soon overdosed.  Other rats were placed into “rat park”, where they could socialize with other rats and were provided toys and sensory stimulation.  These rats were also given the same two water bottles, though rarely did they use the morphine bottle. When they did it was never compulsory.  Here is a link to the article on the “rat park” experiment. 

https://www.brucekalexander.com/pdf/Rat%20Park%201981%20PB&B.pdf

The human cage equivalent may be the result of mental illness (anxiety disorders, depression, or the social exile often experienced by those who meet criteria of bipolar disorders, schizophrenia, or personality disorders), trauma (PTSD, acute stress disorder, dissociative spectrum disorders, personality disorders, paranoia, anxiety, etc.), or just ‘being different” (autism, LGBTQ, multiplicity, etc.), and leads to a deep desire to escape the severely challenging feelings, even for a little while. Society has historically exiled the atypical, or at the very least, denied it the pleasure of being seen, held, validated, heard, and loved. One can be surrounded by people, but this is a very different experience from the warmth and connection that humans really need and crave.

Those who don’t understand how an addict could become ‘that way’, should count themselves lucky.  If you don’t understand, that means you haven’t experienced the depth of pain, loneliness, and despair that accompanies such a need for an extended chemical vacation.  Many addicted individuals are not, themselves, aware of the depth of pain they have carried.  This is likely because of powerful defense mechanisms, social conditioning, or perhaps the fact that we grow accustomed to our baselines.  Basically, we don’t know what we don’t know. 

In order to consider addicts in a more trauma informed world, we must first re-evaluate those elements which have tried and failed.  Shaming addicts, and taking away ready access to drugs does not solve anything.  The shamed person is now more isolated and alone than ever, and if they have a criminal record is less likely to be able to build a healthy purpose in work or society. Habilitation must take into account the need for connections, which we long for as human beings.  The addicted person is often someone who took on the trauma for their family, went to war for us, is over-working, or has lived a life in alienation. Society continues to fail these individuals if we continue to view them with disdain.  

This is not to say that we allow the disease of addiction, to infiltrate our lives and families in an unhealthy way.  Sometimes the addicted brain is not able to form long term cognizance on its decisions, is impulsive, manipulates, steals, and even abuses.  We have to make boundaries that are healthy for us and those we are responsible for.  The research is showing, only, that we begin to change the lens in which we view addiction and the addict as a person.  Each one of us is an individual, and in different stages of our growth, healing and learning.  If we recognize that addiction is more about the trauma of an ‘unbearable cage’, then we can begin to open to individuals based on where they are instead of where they have been.  We can begin to assist our communities in learning how to habilitate back towards our bonding and connections, and away from this generational shift to polarization that is hurting us all.  

I hope you all have a trauma informed week, and are safe and well.  Feel free to share this blog link, and comment below your questions or ideas on how to enhance our connectivity as a human collective.  

Here is an excellent Ted Talk, if you haven’t yet seen it.  This blog post was inspired by Johann Hari’s wisdom and conscientious teaching:

https://www.ted.com/talks/johann_hari_everything_you_think_you_know_about_addiction_is_wrong
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​There are those of us, sitting in silence about the pain carried inside. The polarities of a planet, torn by fear, have us all spinning and off-kilter. It is even lonelier now, for those pain carriers amongst us; those who did not know how to connect before, are struggling even harder now to persist. There is a purpose of connection to an experience so human, that we are all here to participate in.  Yet, the polarities keep pulling us away from that precious connection.  That, in and of itself, is traumatic; for who are we, if not one another’s greatest resources?

Sources of one story say, “we need to fear one another”.  They warn that our differences are dangerous to one another, and have evidence to back up their claims.  All sides feel their own ‘rightness’.  Though, what is the benefit of being ‘right’ in a world so isolated and alienating? Is there a way for us to feel safe, and still find the places we are similar?  Is there a place where we can agree, for the sake of a greater world experience for more?

There is a therapeutic movement with a client, wherein their varying aspects of self can soften towards one another.  Within a given, single person are conflictual parts of self who are vying for energy. These parts of self, are each good and helpful in their own rights.  Yet, their motivations and ways of moving towards goals can be quite different. The therapy is successful when the client is able to maneuver these internal conflicts, from a more resourceful place; essentially, they soften towards themselves and find the places of agreement and similarity between their parts. 

Our communities are in conflictual states, with each person being an important part.  There are destructive ego states amongst us, who need so much to be seen and understood.  There are those of us holding the trauma and pain, for humanity, that will benefit greatly from feeling connected again. There are highly-functioning-apparently-normal people, who do not feel there is anything wrong, and who inadvertently proliferate the exile of others. The landscape is ripe for misunderstanding, leading to more trauma, isolation, and pain. 

Literally, the only thing we need to do is to start focusing on how we are similar to the people around us! If we can stop feeding the stories of polarity, healing can start to happen in our families and communities. If we are consistent enough, it can spread to larger and larger areas. I know of a single person who is organizing a socially-distanced community drum circle, for the purpose of connecting people again! In this way, people can begin to find their unique beat within the group rhythm. How else may we encourage our connections? What obstacles are we each facing, that prevent us from wanting that healing?

This offering is different from past, more informative articles; perhaps it is more personal, poetic, or preachy.  However, the individuals I treat have been greatly affected by these dynamics. This leads me to believe that every, single one of us has something to gain from depolarization. Feel free to share this blog link with anyone, who you feel may have feelings (one way or another) about it.  I am very open to your comments and questions and, until next time, have a Trauma Informed Week.  

While considering those in our country currently affected by floods, fires, pandemics, and other natural disasters; I decided to look for resources available to people who are coping with traumatic events. There continues to be a plethora of information available, particularly through the SAMHSA.gov and the U.S Department of Health and Human Services.  There is also a disaster distress hotline for survivors of natural disasters to access help and resources. That number is: 1-800-985-5990; TTY: 1-800-846-8517.  I have to honestly, say, that those I know who have called certain help lines in times of need have mixed results.  

Our first line of assistance, therefore, continues to be our communities and families. We are the ones who will notice if those close to us are suffering and failing to cope.  Noticing that someone is behaving differently in the following ways, could be a sign to reach out to them and offer assistance: an increase or decrease in energy levels, an increase in using alcohol or drugs, frequent irritability or angry outbursts, trouble relaxing or sleeping, crying frequently, excessively worrying, wanting to be alone much of the time, blaming others for everything, having difficulty communicating or listening, increased physical pain such as headaches, having difficulty giving or accepting help, and a loss of the ability to have fun or feel pleasure in activities.

These are all signs of stress and signals that an individual is struggling to “get back to normal”.  We can assist our loved ones through talking to them about informing their health care providers of these struggles.  We can also be good listeners ourselves and offer support in others ways that are appropriate. Remember that if someone talks about suicide or harming themselves or others, it is important to get help for that person as soon as possible.  Call a suicide or mental health hotline and try not to leave them alone. The suicide prevention Hotline number is: 1-800-273-TALK (8255). The Mendocino County Mental Health Crisis Line number is: 1-855-838-0404. Given the 'mixed nature' of help-line experiences, it is a good idea to stay with the person or check back in.  Avoid the assumption that they got the help they needed, just because you gave them a phone number.

After a traumatic life event, we will generally notice changes in our own thoughts and emotions. In many situations, we must be proactive in our own self-care, and we have the inner tools to guide us. It is common to feel anxious, depressed, guilty, angry, overwhelmed, or even heroic and invulnerable. Confusion, memory problems, and difficulty making decisions and concentrating are also common experiences after traumatic events. Seeking help is acceptable and recommended at any time, and never does this mean you are shameful or weak. If there are obstacles such as money or time, try calling a support group or a sliding scale clinic therapist; there may be resources you are not aware of.

​Other sources of help include connecting with friends, family and other survivors. Staying with a routine (as best as possible) is highly recommended. Staying aware of self-care, such as eating and sleep is primary and we can assist one another in this goal. If there are children involved, talk to them about what is happening and let them know that they will be OK. Knowing we are not alone is key to healing and reorienting to our inner coping and strength. 

​We are all affected, currently, but such stressors and no one has been unscathed by recent world events.  We must remember to be gentle with one another, and that kindness may have more effect than we could ever know.  We often do not know what our friends are going through, much less the stranger next to us.  Thanks for reading, and feel free to comment and share this blog link with your people! Hope you have a trauma informed week.

​​Tabitha rummaged through her files of antiquated writings, pre-published articles, and barely salvaged sets of paragraphs.  She was becoming frantic, the survival terrors setting in of all the life events she would miss if she did not start writing this book.  “I may as well have remained a heroin addict in the Tenderloin”, she considered aloud.  Tabitha had experienced writer’s block for over half the year, at this juncture, much too long for someone holding a passionate dream such as hers.  

 “If I could just find a starter paragraph, maybe I could take off from there”, she thought, as the file folders drifted in front of her eyes from the blue screen. 

Tabitha’s passion to write reawakened about the same time as her writer’s block reared its familiar head. In an unfair juxtaposition, anxiety resulted and seemed endless. Tabitha was certain, that somehow, she could find a way to right the wrongs of her past. Like jumping cholla cactus, her deeds clung to her fervently and desperately awaiting the next water hole.  Tabitha trudged along, literally as far as her mind would allow her to, before succumbing to that long-practiced phone call for therapy.  

Her friends were not surprised, when they learned of her new therapy. “Well, you’ve always been just a little out there”, her comrade had informed.  What did surprise Tabitha, was when it actually seemed to start working.  She had expected more of the same, and the excuses that could follow: “Well, I did try to get help for that”.  Instead, Tabitha found herself becoming awakened to long boxed and forgotten purpose. As the inside calls became louder, Tabitha had begun to wonder if she may need therapy from her therapy.

After nearly a six months with this therapist (playfully called “T”), the transitioning woman had begun to practice just enough self-care to begin calming the storms. And underneath those storms were, well, the dreaded feelings! Tabitha had come to realize she was nurturing the storms, in order to be adequately distracted from the feelings.  The plan was genius except for the fact that her ‘self’ had been eroded along the way, little by precious little. “The Book” had become a pressure cooker for redemption, as far as Tabitha was concerned.

That is until T suggested it may be, yet, another genius distraction.

Tabitha expressed her agitation with her helping professional, who looked on calmly for the duration.  
“I thought you would be happy that I have a life goal!”, Tabitha huffed.
“I mean, there is a lot that I have to offer the world, and aren't you supposed to be helping me!”.  

T suggested an imagery practice and Tabitha begrudgingly agreed. As T guided the imagery to the agreed upon calm place, Tabitha began to feel her shoulders relaxing. 

"Go to your forest by your creek, and hear the whispering of the water over the stones. Smell the creek air, and breath that into your body. Be there in your bare feet and feel that creek energy beneath you. Feel the breeze on your skin, and listen to the soft rustle of leaves all around you."

T used these familiar suggestions, and Tabitha rejoined her spirit and her mind.  The session ended on a positive note, with Tabitha remembering that T was on her side. As Tabitha was leaving the office, T reminded, "If you find peace inside of yourself, that's when the magic happens. That may be more important than anything you are achieving externally."

“Why did I become so upset in the earlier part of that session?”, Tabitha pondered, much later that day. 

“Ever since I realized I was sleep-walking, I have been trying to stay awake. I have been trying to find a way to help others. The idea of this book gives me a feeling of meaning. Yet, when the imagery begins in therapy I am able to feel more relaxed and present than any other times in my week.  If I NEED to write this book to stay ‘awake’, then why am I feeling so uptight about the whole project. Why do I feel more alive, than ever, when I just relax and use my imagination?”

This is when it happened! Tabitha remembered her own calm place! For the first time since she initiated therapy, Tabitha brought herself back to that Creekside forest for fresh air.  She heard the creek bubble over the stones, and felt the cool, wet dirt on her bare feet. She breathed the moistened air deep into her own body. She felt at peace, and remembered herself.

“Maybe it is not about what we create externally”, she stated. 
“Maybe it is just about staying in this relaxed, present moment place!”
“Maybe my gift to the world, and to myself is just this: learning to hold this place!”
“Could it really be that simple?” 

The universe giggled. The End.

Ways to come back to the present moment:

3-minute breathing space
calm place meditation
5-4-3-2-1

Find simple exercises here:

The door is opening for higher levels of life to resume, following greater than a year of regulations and isolation. Many have embraced the ‘return to normalcy’ with readiness to throw masks aside and flock together with the like-minded.  The rest of us drag our feet to give up the needed rest from social obligations and public closeness.  I am remembering the grocery stores with a shudder, pre-pandemic, when strangers would just walk into your bubble with no acknowledgement or awareness.  

I find myself hesitant to give it up: my physical space from others, my lack of need to say ‘no’ to social invitations, my precious time at home being the expectation.  I believe I have actually come to enjoy hiding behind my mask in public, and it is quite wonderful that people stay at least six feet away.  No one swoops in for the hug. I don’t feel the yearning to punch strangers as often, or egg their cars. Threat of contracting illness aside, the pandemic has been a sort of sanctuary for many of us.  Someone at a conference (which I was, incidentally, able to attend virtually last year) mentioned that those on the autism spectrum, and survivors of complex trauma were generally thriving during these times. I readily agree, barring some specific circumstances many individuals had to face. 

Herein lies the question: Why did we need a pandemic to create sanctuary for ourselves?  

For me, appearing normal is one of my primary survival techniques, regardless of what some of my closer friends may report. That being said, declining all social expectations just does not look normal.  The worse I feel; the better I may be trying to make it look.  So, for me the need to ‘make things look good on the outside’ has superseded my own needs in the past.  This is something I would never have learned about myself without this period of pandemic time.  Now I can choose consciously, depending upon the event, what is more important to me in that moment. 

There have been more than a few clients who have described a worsening of social anxiety during this time, making the thought of ‘normal again’ quite provoking for them.  From an exposure standpoint this makes sense, in that the avoidance (coupled with fear of the virus) has left ‘real experiences’ a void for the catastrophic story-teller inside to rule.  While understandable, it is important for these folks to ‘get back out there’.  We do have the ability to pace it, however, and to choose the initial experiences most likely to give our story-tellers some positive metaphors to work with.  It can be quite corrective to form the boundaries necessary to take small, deliberate steps that feel positive (albeit anticipatory). 

On another thread, saying “No” can be a guilt producing, ambivalence promoting experience for many of us.  During the restrictions, I heard many people report a feeling of relief, in that it was simply not necessary. Here’s the thing: it is now becoming necessary again.  But, we can see it coming ahead and plan for it so that we may feel a bit more empowerment.  Here is a practice: 
•    Write down several upcoming events (at least three) which you may be feeling apprehensive about, for whatever reason.  
•    Write down the reasons you may want to participate, and the reasons you may not want to
•    Write down the paragraph you would say, to the person you would say it to, if you were to decline.
•    Once you have done this for all of the events you’ve listed, rate them 1-2-3…in terms of ‘decline difficulty’. If it is the most difficult to decline, it would be the highest number.
•    Chose one of these events, and commit to saying your ‘No’.
•    Reward yourself in some healthy way!

It is my hope that this blog is helpful for those of you struggling with the current changes. There is nothing ‘Wrong’ with you! We all just have different brains, and different needs! It is healthy for us all to form our own pace in life, and to make our choices wherever we can.  I have made myself the promise of asking people to step back if they are too close (as opposed to punching them).  Until next time, stay well and have a trauma informed week!  

Lately I have been remembering how precious life is, and how far our choices and responsibilities can take away from our gratitude. Our relationships can get lost to past hurts and unforgiven mistakes. Our enjoyment may become lost to our responsibilities, and our responsibilities do not always relate to things we find important. Sometimes, the larger forces at work lead us astray from our own passions, from our own energetic investments. We feel these losses in many ways unique to each of us, but it seems like we all feel them.

​I have been wondering about choices and second chances.  I know that often we must let go of some aspect in order to have a second chance or realize our choice. This aspect can be physical, such as quitting a job or leaving an unhealthy relationship. Perhaps it is a belief that requires release, such as “I’m not worth it”, or “It is not Ok for me to be happy”.  We may be called to heal from addictions, or an old pattern in order to move forward. The question that arises for many is this: How do we get the rest of our family/community to understand, and support our desire for a more whole and alive existence?

Living in a place where everyone supported the aspirations of everyone else would be simply wonderful.  Having financial freedom to make choices “worry free”, would be ideal. Even feeling completely competent and capable in one’s own decisions would create more possibilities.  Yet, in the absence of one (or all) of these factors, how can we possibly begin to rediscover ourselves? How can we take a “leap of faith” when we do not feel supported by the larger system, or even ourselves?
Perhaps a leap, is not possible or wise in this moment.  A step towards positive change, however, may be just the right size. Beginning to work on that belief, explore safety plans, incorporate a positive habit, or broaden a support base are all worthy endeavors. Many of us get caught in “all or nothing” types of thoughts, and forget about all the grey areas we have to work with.  Instead of looking for solutions, we just submit to feeling trapped because we cannot immediately have the whole desired outcome. The self-sabotaging quality of this pattern is clear on paper, and yet we continue to unconsciously perform under this block. What small steps can be made towards the change you want, personally?

Expressing what we want to see also seems to help the process.  Simply telling another person, is an excellent “small step”. Creating something, such as a vision board or art project related to our “new world” can be powerful in more fully aligning with it ourselves.  I have found music to be incredibly transformative, and often there is a song we discover that resonates completely with how we feel. You may be having ideas of your own at this very moment! 

Often when we make a micro-movement towards our goal, it gives our larger family and community systems a chance to prepare in a way for which they can be more supportive in the long-run. My hope is that we can encourage one another in these times of change, growth, and insight to bring in more of what we want to see.  Feel free to post comments and suggestions below, and have a wonderful week!

Imagine the river, lapping small waves along the shoreline. The distant sounds of waterfowl and the breeze in tree leaves, gently lowers you into a relaxing trance. Here you will be able to meet an ally, who has helped you all along your journey. We all benefit from stress relief, though not everyone responds the same to the tools. Here is a 'sound offering' from me to you, in hopes that it will help in your regulation and wellness.  Please feel free to comment below, and have a trauma informed week.

​What if you, as a person in grief, encounter someone who is being insensitive?

In February of this year, we discussed rehabilitating our grief awareness in terms of speaking to those who have experienced loss.  What if you, the griever, encounter someone who is less than aware? Often well-meaning people make hurtful comments, and it may help to have a game-plan for such encounters. 

It is not the griever’s responsibility to educate others about grief awareness, but it can be empowering to have small statements of self-care ready in the event of need. The focus, therefore, is always on the health and boundaries of the person experiencing the vulnerability of grief. 

There is a great deal of information available, for society to become educated on what you need as a griever.  It says that you need:
•     to be listened to
•     to tell the story
•     to have support in daily life
•     to have your unique feelings be heard, seen and respected
•     to be validated
•     to choose what you need moment to moment.  

It says that the use of platitudes and optimism to ‘help you’, are not helpful! It says that there is no ‘quick fix’, even though some of your acquaintances will try to make one for you. It says that there is often a shortage of people willing to ‘be present’, even though that is what you need the most. It acknowledges that our society is untrained and unprepared to properly help you, but that people are educating themselves. They are doing this because, at the heart of it, most really want to be of service.

If someone is making an inadvertently insensitive comment, perhaps you could let them know something you could use some help with. It is NOT weak, but powerful to do so.  Can you imagine the scenario? 

They walk across the parking lot (out of their way), to let you know that your loved one is in a better place now.  And instead of your typical (and valid) response, you instead reply, “Would you mind helping me with something? I am feeling so spent today that I don’t know if I can pack my groceries into the trunk.  Would you mind helping me with that?” 

Basically, you get to be the one to identify your own needs, beliefs, feelings (including how understood you feel), and boundaries in any given moment. If any person wishes to ‘be helpful’, then share with them how to do that. Let them know what is actually needed or wanted in the moment.  “Actually, would you mind helping me with something?”, and put them to work! They will, most likely, feel great about the opportunity to assist.  

Here is another scenario that grievers encounter: the over-sharer. This person is trying to help you know how much they understand your feelings, by delving deeply into their own story of loss. It is beyond the boundaries of appropriate sharing because of the timing, environment, or where you are in your process. Encountering the over-sharer unprepared, can deplete your energy and overwhelm some aspects of you. Imagine the scenario occurring at the hair-salon, or at the funeral!

If someone is over-sharing, feel free to say/act:
•    “I’m not sure how long your story is going to take, actually, and I am in a hurry right now. Would you mind helping me      load my groceries in my car so I can go?”
•    “I would very much like to hear your story sometime, perhaps in a more intimate setting. But, would you mind terribly   if we spoke of something else? I am up to my ears in the subject of grief, and feeling tired.”
•    “I know that you have very good intentions, but I am not feeling this right now.  I hope you understand.”
•    Walk away, explain later.
•    Plan your own ‘perfect response’ in case this situation happens with you.

Another common scenario is the ‘over-helper’, who is not actually intuiting what is needed.  This is the caring person who calls too often, without actually listening.  They show up so you ‘won’t be alone’, but you feel even lonelier while they are there. You end up feeling hostage to their caring, and ultimately unable to have your own process around what you need and want.  

It can be very difficult to set your boundaries with this friend, because you may feel uncertain about the outcomes.  However, YOU are the one you need to be loyal to right now! Let the person know, in no uncertain terms, that you would really appreciate space.  Assure them that you will call them when you are ready to talk to a friend.  If they are truly helping you from a place of service and caring, they will understand and appreciate your communication. (If they get upset, you may want to refer them to a good therapist who deals with co-dependency!). Find ways to feel truly heard and seen, instead, such as with another friend or a grief-help-group.

It is my hope that these examples may give grievers room for thought about their own, genuine interactions and boundaries. We have received much conditioning that ‘happy, well, and fine’ are the only appropriate social presentations.  Yet, grief is something we are all going to experience in life. Unbeknownst to you, you may be trailblazing healthier patterns of self-care into your social circles. But, for now, just focus on your own process! It is all reciprocal.  

Feel free to comment below, as I would love to hear your thoughts, experiences, and responses.  Feel free to read the original blog post concerning grief, by scrolling down this page. Until next time, have a Trauma Informed Week and Be Well!