Griever's Rights

​What if you, as a person in grief, encounter someone who is being insensitive?

In February of this year, we discussed rehabilitating our grief awareness in terms of speaking to those who have experienced loss.  What if you, the griever, encounter someone who is less than aware? Often well-meaning people make hurtful comments, and it may help to have a game-plan for such encounters. 

It is not the griever’s responsibility to educate others about grief awareness, but it can be empowering to have small statements of self-care ready in the event of need. The focus, therefore, is always on the health and boundaries of the person experiencing the vulnerability of grief. 

There is a great deal of information available, for society to become educated on what you need as a griever.  It says that you need:
•     to be listened to
•     to tell the story
•     to have support in daily life
•     to have your unique feelings be heard, seen and respected
•     to be validated
•     to choose what you need moment to moment.  

It says that the use of platitudes and optimism to ‘help you’, are not helpful! It says that there is no ‘quick fix’, even though some of your acquaintances will try to make one for you. It says that there is often a shortage of people willing to ‘be present’, even though that is what you need the most. It acknowledges that our society is untrained and unprepared to properly help you, but that people are educating themselves. They are doing this because, at the heart of it, most really want to be of service.

If someone is making an inadvertently insensitive comment, perhaps you could let them know something you could use some help with. It is NOT weak, but powerful to do so.  Can you imagine the scenario? 

They walk across the parking lot (out of their way), to let you know that your loved one is in a better place now.  And instead of your typical (and valid) response, you instead reply, “Would you mind helping me with something? I am feeling so spent today that I don’t know if I can pack my groceries into the trunk.  Would you mind helping me with that?” 

Basically, you get to be the one to identify your own needs, beliefs, feelings (including how understood you feel), and boundaries in any given moment. If any person wishes to ‘be helpful’, then share with them how to do that. Let them know what is actually needed or wanted in the moment.  “Actually, would you mind helping me with something?”, and put them to work! They will, most likely, feel great about the opportunity to assist.  

Here is another scenario that grievers encounter: the over-sharer. This person is trying to help you know how much they understand your feelings, by delving deeply into their own story of loss. It is beyond the boundaries of appropriate sharing because of the timing, environment, or where you are in your process. Encountering the over-sharer unprepared, can deplete your energy and overwhelm some aspects of you. Imagine the scenario occurring at the hair-salon, or at the funeral!

If someone is over-sharing, feel free to say/act:
•    “I’m not sure how long your story is going to take, actually, and I am in a hurry right now. Would you mind helping me      load my groceries in my car so I can go?”
•    “I would very much like to hear your story sometime, perhaps in a more intimate setting. But, would you mind terribly   if we spoke of something else? I am up to my ears in the subject of grief, and feeling tired.”
•    “I know that you have very good intentions, but I am not feeling this right now.  I hope you understand.”
•    Walk away, explain later.
•    Plan your own ‘perfect response’ in case this situation happens with you.

Another common scenario is the ‘over-helper’, who is not actually intuiting what is needed.  This is the caring person who calls too often, without actually listening.  They show up so you ‘won’t be alone’, but you feel even lonelier while they are there. You end up feeling hostage to their caring, and ultimately unable to have your own process around what you need and want.  

It can be very difficult to set your boundaries with this friend, because you may feel uncertain about the outcomes.  However, YOU are the one you need to be loyal to right now! Let the person know, in no uncertain terms, that you would really appreciate space.  Assure them that you will call them when you are ready to talk to a friend.  If they are truly helping you from a place of service and caring, they will understand and appreciate your communication. (If they get upset, you may want to refer them to a good therapist who deals with co-dependency!). Find ways to feel truly heard and seen, instead, such as with another friend or a grief-help-group.

It is my hope that these examples may give grievers room for thought about their own, genuine interactions and boundaries. We have received much conditioning that ‘happy, well, and fine’ are the only appropriate social presentations.  Yet, grief is something we are all going to experience in life. Unbeknownst to you, you may be trailblazing healthier patterns of self-care into your social circles. But, for now, just focus on your own process! It is all reciprocal.  

Feel free to comment below, as I would love to hear your thoughts, experiences, and responses.  Feel free to read the original blog post concerning grief, by scrolling down this page. Until next time, have a Trauma Informed Week and Be Well!