If Only to Believe

Beliefs are a powerful substructure that affect our life experiences on every level, and many of us are not aware of the beliefs we carry. They have direct and indirect influence on our actions, and thus, often validate themselves through us.  Our interpretation is that they are confirmed, solely, through the external world, which is generally not the case.  Case and point: if one believes that they are not likable, they tend to act differently around people. This person may be more reserved, have slumped posture, poor eye contact, perhaps hypervigilant to ‘proof’, or with more defense mechanisms at play.  Because of this behavior, others experience this person as ‘closed off’ or ‘defensive’, ‘hard to reach’, or ‘disingenuous’, and are not warm and friendly as a result. The person interprets the ‘chill’ as proof they are not likable, and further shuts off from future social opportunities.
 
The cycles can go on and on, until we gain clarity on our belief substructures that are affecting us. We can then evaluate which beliefs may be ‘hand-me-downs’ from earlier life, and therefore, no longer true or helpful. Other examples of common maladaptive beliefs are:

• I am bad/unworthy
• It is (all) my fault
• I am stupid (or some variation)
• I am wrong
• I should have done more
• I am a burden
• I am not good enough
• The world is unsafe/I am not safe (too general, this is sometimes true but not always)
• I am not trustworthy/the world is not trustworthy
• I have to produce in order to have worth
• I deserve to have this problem
• I am broken/damaged

 
Once we recognize the undercurrents at play, we can find the places where we have power to change: primarily our behaviors and self-talk. Finding the maladaptive belief's antidote, can be a great place to start. Explore a belief you would prefer to have there, and begin to imagine how your behavior would change if you held this antidotal belief instead.  What would it look like, socially, to believe that you are inherently likable? What would it look like to have worth, regardless of productivity? To be, simply, good enough?
 
Here’s the thing: these beliefs are often held by a part of us. Some part of us is certain of their truth, and therefore, it is not  so easy as to just ‘believe differently’.  This is a journey of healing, not furthering the gaps between where we are and where we are supposed to be.  Acceptance, patience, and understanding are the cornerstones for our improved foundations. We are not going to keep pretending here! However, healing also means that we can acknowledge these elements within ourselves and begin to nurture their very growth. We can learn how this part of us, has been trying to help us by holding onto this belief.

• “I am broken” may be protecting from the pain of being vulnerable again.
• “I am wrong” may be validating a perpetrator of an earlier life trauma.
• “I deserve to have this problem” may be keeping hard feelings at bay.

 
That being said, once we identify a belief we’d like to change: it must be a gentle and steady process.  We can, gradually, begin to find situations in which these beliefs can be further tested, in calm and loving ways. 

•  Let’s play on the original example of the person who believes they are not likable. Once they have gained awareness               of their internal conflict around likability (this may be a protective aspect of the person preventing them from the perceived danger of getting close to others), this person can begin to gradually alter their behaviors while in social situations. They do this with a curious and explorative spirit: “What happens when I make eye contact more often, and smile?”  “What happens when I stand up straighter?”.  

 
Over time, we can begin to invalidate the beliefs we have been handed, and develop those beliefs that are truer to our present-day spirit, dreams, and abilities. We can also begin to acknowledge and honor the parts of ourselves that have, so ingeniously, been helpful.  I look forward to hearing back from you, in the comments below.  Feel free to share, to visit the free resources below, and to come back for the next step of the journey towards a more trauma informed world. Have a wonderful week!
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