Moving Forward

The door is opening for higher levels of life to resume, following greater than a year of regulations and isolation. Many have embraced the ‘return to normalcy’ with readiness to throw masks aside and flock together with the like-minded.  The rest of us drag our feet to give up the needed rest from social obligations and public closeness.  I am remembering the grocery stores with a shudder, pre-pandemic, when strangers would just walk into your bubble with no acknowledgement or awareness.  

I find myself hesitant to give it up: my physical space from others, my lack of need to say ‘no’ to social invitations, my precious time at home being the expectation.  I believe I have actually come to enjoy hiding behind my mask in public, and it is quite wonderful that people stay at least six feet away.  No one swoops in for the hug. I don’t feel the yearning to punch strangers as often, or egg their cars. Threat of contracting illness aside, the pandemic has been a sort of sanctuary for many of us.  Someone at a conference (which I was, incidentally, able to attend virtually last year) mentioned that those on the autism spectrum, and survivors of complex trauma were generally thriving during these times. I readily agree, barring some specific circumstances many individuals had to face. 

Herein lies the question: Why did we need a pandemic to create sanctuary for ourselves?  

For me, appearing normal is one of my primary survival techniques, regardless of what some of my closer friends may report. That being said, declining all social expectations just does not look normal.  The worse I feel; the better I may be trying to make it look.  So, for me the need to ‘make things look good on the outside’ has superseded my own needs in the past.  This is something I would never have learned about myself without this period of pandemic time.  Now I can choose consciously, depending upon the event, what is more important to me in that moment. 

There have been more than a few clients who have described a worsening of social anxiety during this time, making the thought of ‘normal again’ quite provoking for them.  From an exposure standpoint this makes sense, in that the avoidance (coupled with fear of the virus) has left ‘real experiences’ a void for the catastrophic story-teller inside to rule.  While understandable, it is important for these folks to ‘get back out there’.  We do have the ability to pace it, however, and to choose the initial experiences most likely to give our story-tellers some positive metaphors to work with.  It can be quite corrective to form the boundaries necessary to take small, deliberate steps that feel positive (albeit anticipatory). 

On another thread, saying “No” can be a guilt producing, ambivalence promoting experience for many of us.  During the restrictions, I heard many people report a feeling of relief, in that it was simply not necessary. Here’s the thing: it is now becoming necessary again.  But, we can see it coming ahead and plan for it so that we may feel a bit more empowerment.  Here is a practice: 
•    Write down several upcoming events (at least three) which you may be feeling apprehensive about, for whatever reason.  
•    Write down the reasons you may want to participate, and the reasons you may not want to
•    Write down the paragraph you would say, to the person you would say it to, if you were to decline.
•    Once you have done this for all of the events you’ve listed, rate them 1-2-3…in terms of ‘decline difficulty’. If it is the most difficult to decline, it would be the highest number.
•    Chose one of these events, and commit to saying your ‘No’.
•    Reward yourself in some healthy way!

It is my hope that this blog is helpful for those of you struggling with the current changes. There is nothing ‘Wrong’ with you! We all just have different brains, and different needs! It is healthy for us all to form our own pace in life, and to make our choices wherever we can.  I have made myself the promise of asking people to step back if they are too close (as opposed to punching them).  Until next time, stay well and have a trauma informed week!