Rehabilitating Our Grief Awareness

Given that grief is something every one of us will face in various degrees throughout our lifetime, it is not surprising how uncomfortable most of us feel when faced with a grieving person.  We generally struggle with ‘the right thing to say’, or rely too heavily on antics which sometimes cause more harm than good.  Most readers would never intentionally invalidate the feelings of another person, and yet it happens frequently and is often unconscious.  We generally say the statements we’ve heard others say, or turn to our own belief system.  Sometimes the pressure of the situation completely shuts down our authenticity and we revert to some old adage. It is my hope that this article can bring some insight into why some of our well-meant statements are actually insensitive, and make some suggestions on what to say/do instead.

As a therapist, I am often amazed at the statements my grieving clients are offered by their friends and family. Some of the examples are:

•    She must have driven you crazy that last year. Now you can get some rest finally.
•    It was what you signed up for.
•    You just have to move on! Get back in the game!
•    He was just not meant to be your forever person.
•    Now you can live your own life and not have to care for him/her anymore.
•    At least you have/don’t have children together.

Now, if you have been a person who has said something of this sort: I promise this is not an attack.  We all know that talking about loss is uncomfortable, and we are all struggling to do our best when there is a hard situation happening to a loved one or acquaintance.  Most of us just want them to feel better.  But, our denial of their feelings does not make their feelings go away. Let’s look at some of the more commonly used statements in our society.

“They are in a better place now.” This is a statement that is generally accepted as the right thing to say, and is a ready fallback to many people who are otherwise at a loss.  It may be helpful if your relationship with the griever is such, that you know their belief system involves a ‘better place’. However, it is inappropriate to say to a stranger or acquaintance, and can actually be quite triggering.  Keep in mind that this is not the time to push a belief system upon a person who is already raw and vulnerable. The truth is that the griever may not know/believe in a better place or, they may actually be angry at a higher power, whom they generally do believe in.  That anger is a natural part of the healing process for some people, and a safe bet is just to leave religion out of the conversation unless you are very sure it is going to be helpful. One of my clients felt angered by this statement, just because “everyone said it”.  This caused her to feel that it was disingenuous.  

“You will meet new people.” This statement is ultimately invalidating to the special loss a griever may be experiencing.  You can get a new glass of milk.  You can buy new sneakers, or cars.  You cannot replace life, or people, or animals.  Pretending that someone can ‘just go get another friend’ is hugely insensitive and completely unhelpful. Other statements that fall into this category are: “You will date again”, “You can get another dog/pet”, or “I have a friend I want to introduce you to”.  Generally, it is difficult to see our loved ones ‘alone and grieving’.  However, this is part of their process and we must have backbone and grit in friendships in order to be good friends. 

“I understand what you are going through.” There are times when a grieving person may be isolating for a period of time, and this is sometimes concerning to friends and family.  One of the reasons for this, is sometimes that people are not able to understand what the griever is going through.  One person can never truly understand another person’s unique emotional experience, and so this statement is simply untrue.  We have a better chance of understanding, even a little, when we just listen and act as if what the griever is telling us is completely new to us (because it is).  We have never talked to this person about this loss before, and so it is a new experience.  

“How are you doing?”.  This is a well-meaning question, but far too normal for this crazy situation the griever finds themselves in.  “How are you doing?” is a canned statement we use for passersby and as part of introducing daily small talk in our circles.  Many of us generally do not even want the real answer when we ask this question.  The griever you just asked this question to is having some of the worst and empty days of their life.  The question forces them to possibly shut down, and give you the canned answer that is socially appropriate. The other option for them is to actually tell you, which you should then be prepared with some authenticity and genuine support.  Just saying. 

“They are not in pain anymore.” This can actually bring great comfort for certain people at certain times.  And yet, for some people this does not bring relief, and can cause great pain.  If their loved one really suffered, this statement can actually engage those painful memories. It really boils down to, again, the relationship and how well we know the person we are speaking to.  

Here are some suggestions for comments that may be more validating and/or supportive, for those of you interested in upping your grief game. 
•    This evening I am cooking dinner.  Is it alright with you if I bring you a plate?
•    I know that you are hurting, and I really want to be here to listen if you decide you’d like to talk.
•    I miss this person too.  Please let me know if you’d ever like to share memories with me.  
•    They will be very missed.  I am genuinely sorry that we have lost them.
•    Tomorrow I am making a trash run, do you have anything I can take for you?
•    I know you will feel different from day to day, or minute to minute.  Just know that I am here to connect. 
•    If you ever just want to talk, we can talk about anything you’d like.  We can talk about your loss, or avoid the topic    completely. It is up to you and I just want to be present for you. We can just sit together in silence, I am completely comfortable with that.
•    Would you like for me to take (your dog) for a walk when I walk (my dog)? Would you like to come along?


Thank you all for reading and increasing your tool-kits. We are all integral to creating new, and more trauma informed ways of being with one another.  This requires vulnerability and a willingness to build new habits.  My hope is that we can all continue to make small steps in healing that will make big impacts on our communities and future connections. Please visit the links below for more information on grief recovery, or the virtual calming room for self-regulation. Feel free to share. Be well and have a wonderful week! 

Grief Recovery Method Website

Center for Grief and Loss

Virtual Calming Room